African Outfitter is an independent international bimonthly publication promoting
fair hunting and ethical business practices within the hunting industry.
From a hunting perspective, the preservation of biodiversity on the
African continent is the first and foremost priority. The emphasis
is however also on the sustainable utilisation of wildlife.

Herman Jonker

Monkey Business - Herman Jonker

There comes a day in every man's life when he goes to work for the last time. So too with the PH.

It may be that his luck and skill with dangerous game finally runs out and he unexpectedly departs for the great flycamp in the sky in rather messed up form. It may be the dark mouth of a black mamba that sends him on his way to a place of white light and angels, or it may be a lingering departure as his fever-ridden body fights some other natural infestation of bugs or biological enemies. It can of course also be any one of man's own mechanical devices that crushes or perforates him in a fit of malfunction.

In such tragic instances the usual happens. We fit him out with a fancy box for his last journey, we carry him slowly and sing softly whilst a man from the church attempts to lessen our grief by telling us what a good person he was. Sometimes this man can be misinformed or overly zealous and his eloquent praise of the deceased's character leaves us wondering if we're not perhaps attending the wrong funeral.

But what happens to professional hunters when they hang up their guns and put away their binocs for the last time out of their own free will?

The great ones go on to write their memoirs, that much we know. Others probably sit on the stoep and regale their grandkids and passers-by with adventurous tales of black maned lions and magnificent sables, not without a hidden tear of nostalgia for times gone by. Then there must be others who do the same, but at a favourite bar where their fellow drinkers have heard the stories a hundred times but still listen respectfully because they too have those tears.

Why, I wonder, are these old salts of the trophy hunting business not roped in by movie companies as consultants? No – not to advise on hunting scenes and animal manner, but to contribute their knowledge of special effects. A PH is after all an expert at building sets and creating illusion.

Stand back and watch a professional hunting team at work after their client had flattened a scrawny impala that met its fate because it happened to be carrying 24 inch horns.

Whereas the hunt had been silent, slow and stealthy, the scene of the incident now resembles a bustling film set. People are scurrying about to bring water, set up the buck and redress the setting. Trees are chopped down, shrubs dug out and replanted where they are needed, grass is trimmed and rocks are rolled out of the way.

The animal is positioned with great care, down to an elegant drape of the tail. The head must be up for the camera, turned at just the right angle, but it won't stay there. An intricate little scaffold of forked sticks is constructed to prop it up, but now that has to be concealed from the lens again. More replanting of grass.

A tracker doubles as make-up artist. He skillfully gives the buck what amounts to almost a full facial. Lips, eyes, everything is cleaned and straightened in preparation for the camera. Meanwhile others are at work pulling off ticks, concealing ill-positioned bullet holes and making final arrangements to hairs and hooves.

At last all is ready. The leading man, who has been pacing about, still high to his hair on adrenaline and glory, is called over to take his place 3 paces behind the constructed animal. There he crouches with as much square jaw and bulging biceps as he can muster.

After giving the scene a final look-over and chasing a fly off the lead actor's cap the PH goes down on his belly with the camera. He wriggles about until he's satisfied with the angle and composition of the shot. His trigger finger hesitates one last time, then kachook! With a single flash of light the image is captured forever.

It shows a magnificent animal, an athletic hulk of super impala, lying down in what seems like casual rest, but there's no mistaking its pent up power and sinister intent. Great horns tower into the sky in massive sweeps, their shiny tips reaching for the ozone.

Behind this mammoth beast the head and shoulders of a man can just be seen. Compared to the foreboding bulk of the buck he appears almost delicate but his bearing and the rifle casually leaning against the animal proves that he, mortal as he may seem, had succeeded in slaying this massive threat to mankind. Awesome.

It's a wrap. The sticks and stones and other props can be kicked aside now and the buck can be put onto the back of the truck to be taken to the skinning shed where the next step in the production of this great saga will take place.

The PH slaps his client on the back again before going behind a bush to take a leak. There he sighs wearily and wonders aloud how long he still has to go to his retirement. It's not the hard work of honest hunting that's getting to him, it's the propping up of dead buck and ego's.

Take note Mr Spielberg. You want King Kong created? Just haul an old PH out of the pub – he's your man for the job. But chances are he'll tell you to go and catch yourself a monkey...